Sigh… these are the moments I wish I could pretend didn’t exist.
The moments when I come face to face with the ugly truth about the things I still struggle with. The things I wish I could hide behind a perfect smile and a “beat” face…
>> Cue the IG Filters, perfectly posed photos, and deep quotes
But, here I was minding my business, growing as a person, growing in my relationship with God, feeling good about my personal growth and then BAAAM!!
Out of nowhere, something happened…
I got this icky and all-too-familiar feeling in my heart. It’s one I hadn’t felt in a long time.
It was pure unadulterated jealousy.
I thought I’d evolved beyond feeling jealous of people, but here I was, suddenly struggling with it again.
From a distance I was watching the Lord bless someone with something that I desperately wanted and before I knew it, I found myself spiraling in feelings of anger, rejection, fear, and jealousy.
Asking the obvious questions like, “why’d you do that for them Lord and not me?”
Pathetic, right? I know….
In the middle of my pity party, 4 things became painfully obvious:
- What I was feeling was wrong.
- Even though I knew it was wrong, I couldn’t figure out how to pull myself out of it.
- Even though I couldn’t pull myself out of it on my own, I was embarrassed and ashamed to admit to anyone that I was struggling with this.
- And lastly, If I didn’t face this head on, I’d be disappointing myself and God.
God was exposing something in me that He wanted me to deal with. He was bringing something to the surface that was ugly and painful and wrong.
And, even though I didn’t see it at the time, God had already extended His graciousness to me by putting people around me that I could show my “ugly” and broken parts to, who wouldn’t judge me, but who’d help me work through it.
Over the course of a few days and convos with my parents, bestie, and my husband, I found myself feeling free. Free to love people and be genuinely happy for people. That heavy spirit of jealousy left me, and I knew I’d taken one more step towards developing into the woman and the queen, I’m destined to be.
So for anyone who may be struggling with jealousy, allow me to share the lessons I’ve learned (and am still learning) with you:
- God doesn’t love you any less or any more than he loves anyone else. If I’m being honest, God has blessed me tremendously in my life. When I started focusing on and recounting all of the many ways He’s blessed me, my heart started filling with gratitude. Gratitude makes it harder to hold on to feelings of envy. Plus, I know God’s got a lot in store for me – I don’t want to miss the doors He’s opened for me because I’m too busy peeking through someone else’s window. I don't want to miss the doors He's opened for me because I'm too busy peeking through someone else's window. Click To Tweet
- Put the devil to shame. The enemy wants nothing more than to watch you spiral in isolation. God places value on the Body of Christ for a reason. We need each other. Find people you can confide in, who want to see you evolve, who you can talk to and be honest with. I couldn’t figure out how to change the conversation I was having in my head – it wasn’t until I opened up to people who I could safely show the “ugliest” parts of myself to, that I was able to really breakthrough. It wasn't until I opened up to people who I could safely show the 'ugliest' parts of myself to, that I was able to really breakthrough. Click To Tweet
- You never know what someone has REALLY gone through, is going through, or will go through. And if you did, you probably wouldn’t be jealous of them. Remember, we can only see a part of the story. And, as cliche as it is, everything that glitters isn’t gold. The morning after I let go of that spirit of jealousy, we turned on the news to find that Anthony Bourdain died by apparent suicide. Heartbreaking. A man who from the outside, had it all, and lived a life that most people would never experience, took his life. He was surrounded by tons of people daily, and I don’t think anyone suspected that he was suffering the way he was. It’s easy to make judgements about the quality of life someone has because of the things they can buy, the opportunities they have, the person they’re married to, etc. – but the truth is YOU NEVER KNOW what someone is really dealing with. 1 Samuel 16 says, “For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” Let’s pray for wisdom and grace so we can refrain from judging others, and judging ourselves with critical eyes. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart. Click To Tweet
All I can say, is thank God for His continued grace and mercy.
Remember, even in all your mess God still calls us kings. The journey to becoming the person He’s called us to be requires growth which can be painful. However, the reward of going through the process is well worth the pain it caused.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Have you struggled with jealousy before? If not, what are some things that you’re working through?
Crown up Queen!
With oodles of love,
PS. So many people suffer in silence because they feel the need to be perfect. They’re working to keep up appearances (I see this everywhere, especially in the church.) I’m tired of hearing stories about people who spiraled out of control, or took their lives, because they were being crushed under the weight of their burdens. It shouldn’t be like that. I want to encourage you to be open, honest, and authentic. You’re not the first person to go through something, and you’re not alone. You’re loved. You’re needed. You’re wanted. I pray this blog blesses you and encourages you.