Let’s just put this out there… I had sex before marriage (sorry, dad).
I’m 30-something and fully married, yet I still feel so uncomfortable saying that. Crazy, I know.
I’d forgotten how much I wrestled with sex before marriage, and this week those memories came flooding back full force.
COVID 19 + Quarantine means I have a ton of time on my hands. Lately God’s been dealing with me about trusting Him in certain areas of my life and it’s so tough.
In this season of my life, reading is a much needed mental escape.
Sponsored Post: This post is sponsored by Penguin Random House, but the content and opinions expressed here are my own.
Struggling with sex before marriage? You’re not alone.
This week I cuddled up with the book “Beyond the Break” by Heather Buchata.
It’s the first fictional book I’ve read in years and I devoured it in 1 day. I’m pretty certain that’s a new record for me.
I couldn’t put it down because it brought me straight back to my teens and early 20s.
It took me right back to memories of first kisses, first dates, sweaty palms, butterflies in your tummy, and falling asleep on the phone together.
This book literally had me in my feelings ya’ll. The whole time I was reading, I kept thinking to myself, “I know exactly what you’re going through girl.”
In the book, the main character Lovette goes to church, loves God and has promised Him that she’ll live a life of purity. And that’s easy to say and do, until it’s not…
As Christian women, I think we’ve all been there.
We love God and want to be obedient to His word, yet struggle with wanting to be close and connected to someone (the right one).
It’s especially tough when you feel like you’re the only one abstaining or struggling to abstain.
Love makes you do crazy things
I remember being 14 and convinced that I’d definitely wait until marriage for sex… then I fell in love for the first time a few years later.
Not having sex was easy, until I met him…
Girl, I fell head over heels. We call it puppy love but, I forgot how intense everything feels at that stage in life.
It’s the kinda love that has you picking out your future kids’ names and imagining what your wedding day will be like. (Don’t act like you don’t know what that’s like.)
Suddenly I found myself in a place where my love for another person was competing with my love for God. That led to seeing how far I could go without “sinning.” And we all know how that story ends.
I heard a profound quote the other day that pretty much sums up where I’ve found myself too many times to count…
“Christians have chalk dust on their toes from walking too close to lines they aren’t supposed to be crossing.”
Girl, if that’s not the truth, I don’t know what is.
3 Reasons I wish I didn’t have sex before marriage
As I was reading the book, I kept wondering what I’d tell Lovette, or even my 17 year old self when I was struggling with this.
And I guess it would be this: Obeying God usually feels like a drag, and seems unnecessary, until hindsight shows you that He was totally worth listening to.
The truth is obeying God is always easy when you have no interest in something, or there’s no temptation to do it.
When temptation arises, we’ve got to believe that anything He tells us not to do, is in our best interest.
At 17, I didn’t get that or really believe it.
I kinda wish that I had a friend, sister, or really anyone who understood what I was going through and who could support me.
If that’s you and you’re struggling with whether to have sex before marriage, here are 3 reasons I wish I didn’t. If nothing else, I hope they bring you some clarity, or at least give you some food for thought.
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Here are 3 of my reasons:
1. Broken Hearts and Broken Promises
Hindsight is always 20-20. I learned a ton of lessons from my previous relationships, but to be honest, the lessons weren’t worth the pain.
Plus I learned some lessons and ways of behaving that were dangerous to my marriage. When I got married, God had to break me out of some bad habits.
Getting attached to the wrong people meant having my heart broken in more ways than I could count, developing trust issues, and having my sense of self worth eroded.
So I guess I’d tell my younger self this, “the years you’ll spend healing from a wrong relationship, will far outlast the months you’ve spent enjoying it.”
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2. Soul ties are real… and they suck
Where do I even start with this one? Just in case you’ve never heard of it, a soul tie is basically a deep spiritual and emotional connection that you have with someone. Soul ties are not easily broken and when you’re so connected to the wrong person, it becomes burdensome.
I thought soul ties were made up, until I experienced it for myself and OMG. It was terrible.
I wanted to get out of a relationship that I KNEW wasn’t for me, but I struggled for years to let this boy go.
Unless you’ve experienced it, it’s hard to explain, but it basically leaves you in a cycle of “breaking up to make up.” My mind knew better than to stay, but I couldn’t bring myself to let go. Houston, we have some serious problems.
3. Comparison is the thief of joy
Whether we like it or not, our past relationships set a standard and level of expectation for us.
I realized that when I started dating my husband. Instead of letting him start with a clean slate, I compared everything (good and bad) to what I’d experienced before.
That meant that I ended up making assumptions and judgements about him that weren’t always correct. I had trouble trusting him because of how other people had let me down. Obviously, none of that was fair to him.
Looking back, I realize that I never walked out of a relationship empty handed – Whether good or bad, I always left with more baggage than I went in with.
Now, I’m fully aware that my experience is not yours and ultimately you’ll have to come to your own conclusion.
No, having sex before marriage didn’t keep me from meeting and marrying the man of my dreams. That being said, I now totally get why God wants us to wait. I can tell you from personal experience that sex before marriage, like many things in life, is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Whether you’re 17 or 37, if you’re struggling with having sex before marriage, I definitely think you’ll find yourself in Beyond the Break.
For some additional perspective, encouragement, or a reminder of what you know in your heart to be true, definitely check it out.
If you abstained and didn’t have sex before marriage, what tips or advice would you offer someone who’s struggling?
If you had sex before marriage, what are some of the things you wish you knew before you did it?
Sound off in the comments ladies, I’d love to hear your perspective.
w/ light and love,
Matthew 5:14 – You are the light of the world. And like a city on a hill that cannot be hidden.